Wizardness

“I’m scared,” Alec said.
“Who are you afraid of?” The adviser, Dove, asked.
“Me. I’m scared of me.”
“Why do you fear yourself?”
“I don’t know who I am. I don’t know …” young man trailed off.
“Know thy self, is a vital important lesson. Before you can rule, you must know yourself.” The adviser intoned.
Alec rolled his eyes. His sigh betrayed his frustration.
“You scoff at this?” Dove asked.
“Look, you’ve said this over and over. HOW am I to know myself? In what way? In one aspect, I know myself well.”
“And which aspect is that?”
Rather than answer Alec made a lewd gesture.
“Oh, are you so sure you understand that so well, then?” Dove laughed. “Wise experienced men are always finding new things about themselves. New partners teach you a lot, you know.”
Alec shook his head, “Whatever, fine. I know. You know what? Fuck this.” Alec made an exasperated groan. “I don’t know what I want. At all. I don’t have a strong desire about anything. When I do have a strong desire, it’s murdered in its infancy by any number of people. My mother, father, YOU, you get the idea. It’s stifling.”
“Well, you’ve wished to continue our discussions. That’s something.”
“Oh, sure, that’s something. Alright.” Alec waved his hand dismissively. “It’s not a deep seated need to do SOMETHING. Like, look at Braun, he’s working TIRELESSLY all just to live up to his name’s phonetic cousin. He craves to be one of the strongest warriors known to these lands.”
“You could do that, if you wanted.”
“No shit. That’s the problem. If I wanted. If I had a want, I could do the thing. If the thing is hard, then the want is gone. Not with everything though, it’s gotta scratch some ill defined itch, then I’ll dig deep into it.”
“That’s good. Where do you think this comes from?”
“How should I know. It’s been there in someway for years.”
“You read. You write.”
“To what purpose. I read for pleasure, I write for pleasure. I have ideas, I never act on them. They sit, fester.”
“What ideas?”
“I don’t know!” Alec roared. He took a breath. He glanced away from Dove
“Why did you look away there?”
Alec pinched the bridge of his nose. He took several breaths. Without looking at Dove he said, “The ideas are always context dependent. If I’m reading about siege engines, then the ideas are novel applications of those weapons of war. I’ve often taken them to my father where they are squashed without a care.”
“It’s not that the ideas fester, it’s that they are poisoned. Dismissed. Your ideas and you are dismissed, ignored.”
“Yea.”
“Do you desire to gain your father’s approval?”
“Pfft,” Alec’s out breath of air turned into a laugh. He flatly said, “No. He’s told me I’ve already out stretched him in a number of pursuits. However, he does not give my ideas due respect.”
“You feel superior to him?”
“No.” He fixed Dove a look, “You know things don’t work like this.”
“This isn’t a ‘know’ thing, my lord. This is a feeling. Do you feel superior to your father.”
“No. It’s more that I don’t feel like he can help me with anything. If I ask him for anything it’s too much of a burden. I feel rejected.”
Alec glanced down, tears in his eyes.
“Hmm, that is sad.”
Alec fixed him a hard look. Dove’s expression was passive, empty. “What am I supposed to with that?”
“With my sympathy and my empathy? Hmm, well, did it feel better to talk to me about it?”
Alec snorted. He poured himself a mug of watered wine. He poured Dove a mug and slid it over to him.
“Did I look parched?”
“This is thirsty work, Dove.”
“Hmm.”
Alec sipped his wine. Dove let his rest where it was.
“Are you not involved in the great works?” Dove asked.
“The gate to Narsceen? Yes, I’m working on that. I’m researching the flood patterns as well, with Lobac.”
“Do you not want to do these things?”
Alec thought a moment. “While doing the work, they feel fulfilling, but after, there’s an emptiness. The benefits slip away, into far bits of memory, as if they didn’t happen. Only when I’m back working on them again, they are there. Sharp as ever. As if etched in stone in one part of my mind. Whereas outside of that, they are nearly inaccessible.”
“Do you talk to your father about the great works?”
“Fuck no. He wouldn’t understand and he’d be dismissive. The few times I’ve tried to talk to him about the Gates, he waves his hand and says, that’s my space and not his concern. Which is bullshit and we both know it. If that gate has anything of worth, he will claim it as his own.”
“Why do you think he distances himself?”
“Politics, probably. The gate is in the ancestral homes of the Naviram. They are very unhappy.”
“Do you think this emptiness is more than just a feeling? Do you think you’re drawn to the works to be filled by something on the other side?”
Alec shrugged. “I just want to feel like I’m productive. That I’m doing something, when everything is so terrible. When people are dying for no reason other than greed. I want to feel that I’m making a small part of the world a better place.”
“Are you?”
“I’m told I am. I don’t know.”
Dove smiled, “Despite destroying an ancestral homeland.”
Alec sighed and nodded. He sat quietly for a while. He glanced at the angle of the sun in the room. He stood and dusted his pants flat.
“Thank you for seeing me.” Alec turned and walked to the door. A guard opened the door from the other side.
“I am only here to serve.” Dove said.
The guard guffawed. “Aye, to serve yer time.” The guard barked another laugh as Alec passed. “I hope he caused you no trouble, my lord.”
Alec glanced at him as if seeing him for the first time, “Hmm? Oh, no. no trouble. He couldn’t give me trouble anyway.”
“Oh, right. Of course, my lord. I just meant a hassle, is all.”
Alec patted the large man’s sweaty hairy arm and walked away. The door clanged behind.